i just need to figure out the logistics of the thing

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i feel fucking terrible about everything, i feel like everything i've done in my life, every single decision i've made has been wrong and all i've ever been is just... spineless, soulless. a failure. and i won't get a fucking college, i won't get anything because i don't deserve anything and i'll always just keep fucking everyhting up like i always have no matter how bad it gets i'll make it worse

the fact the fucking it up will make things very very bad for me isn't helping a lot with not fucking it up

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i feel a bit silly saying this but @selfcare has honestly saved my mood, many many times :BlobCatMlem:

covid-related; bad 

just found out that our final semester will conducted online. i don't know why i was hoping against all hope all this time that things would get better and i'd get to go back one last time. now i'm just. sad.

Another genderless insult you can use when you accidentally burn dinner 


scrolling through social media when i should be studying for big upcoming test: season 896246

pers, family (-) 

and tells me it's not a big deal and when i say that it *is* to me, he yells "in that case don't worry me with your problems" so now i just feel like garbage

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pers, family (-) 

so i was telling my father about this because he'll likely have to take me there because i've nowhere to live. he said it was no issue. but i kept venting for a bit about being super worried at this additional complication to what was already the most stressful exam in my *life* and he abrubptly just... *barks* at me to shut up about this

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i have this big competitive exam coming up that i'd given the first choice of centre for as my college's city and not the one i'm currently in because things were really dubious back then so i erred on the side of colleges (and hence hostels) opening up by that time. but now it just turned out that mine won't.

swerfs, OnlyFans, mh-, ranting to the void 

I have this pattern of reading news sites when I'm mh-. Old gf diagnosed this as selfharm years ago, therapists agree she was right, I agree she was right, still find myself doing it.

Take this panic piece about young Latin American girls ‘coming closer to’ prostitution via OnlyFans.

The article beats on the same two emotional notes repeatedly:

1. That the girls are young girls who are girls and young. (Whatever problems OnlyFans may have do not matter for other genders and ages, we must think of the girls. Only.)
2. Is this prostitution?

For point 1, many cherries are picked of girls who wanted to do something else, but the something else wasn't open to them, so they were forced to resort to prostitution. A perfectly reasonable point that, as usual in swerfy discussion, completely fails to address the actual problem, viz. the forcing, obligation to have a job in a post-scarcity world, and instead blame the one job they found to be less terrible. ‘It only brings five dollars, but five dollars is a lot of money there’. They acknowledge the injustice of colonialism, yet they want to remove the source of dollars (if you can earn in dollars in my country your income has increased 50% in 1 year without you doing anything, do you have any idea how lucky we consider those of us who can get their hands on dollars??) instead of abolishing borders.

Yes selling your body for food – not just food, nice clothes, iPhones, whatever dignity one can buy in this broken world – is humiliating and traumatising. Know what’s the standard job for poor, young Latinas? Maid. House slave, look it up, watch ‘The Second Mother’ (2015) great film, 100% how it is. Where I come from everybody with a stable job has a maid washing their bathroom for peanuts, and the daughter of the maid who’s learning to be a maid comes extra cheap. Do you think it’s naïvete that many girls would, taken the choice, prefer selling masturbation clips to gringos to servitude? To a boss on a power trip shouting on their ears as they serve tables? Selling your body for basic necessities is humiliating. That’s not a description of prostitution, that’s a description of capitalism. Sex work goes best when you have a young healthy body, no career prospects and the older you get the harder it is, including finding work in the first place. Unlike being cleaning staff to American fast-food companies?

And then they get sexually abused anyway, because the daughter of the maid, really? Who will stand for poor Latinas? Selling pictures online is risky, many men will try to track you, but it’s about the least risky job I can think of in their condition. This is awful, but the solution is to remove this choice? See how well FOSTA-SESTA went, and that’s in the rich country, that’s in a patriarchy not tinged in our ruthless flavour of everyday violence.

Then there’s the youth thing. Gosh does ageism rile me up. Much of the article is about how the girls came to OnlyFans cause they were ‘talked into’ by their friends, unlike us rational middle-age adults who never jump into a job we hate because it was the last bad option and our personal contacts told us their experiences with it. Young people can’t be trusted to make life decisions, we have pressure them, coax them, ideally remove the options altogether; or they will destroy themselves, this is the gateway into live prostitution, the marijuana of whoring. Surely no young woman would be smart enough to know what she’s getting into, to understand the risks of meeting men IRL behind closed doors, right? Which young Latina has ever experienced what men in patriarchy do.

Which connects to the question interwoven throughout the article, as if it were a profound dilemma: Does this count as prostitution? Never stated out loud but between every line: Is your daughter an online whore? The meaningless of this purely linguistic question, the sterility of terminology, does not ever occur to the writer, because obviously being a whore is very bad because ew. Better invest in that apron instead, these days the trappings of servitude are coming back into fashion among insecure middle-class madames.

How to help those girls? Instead of blaming OnlyFans for the scary p-word, can we blame them for stealing surplus value, like all capitalists do? All OF offers is webhosting and a business face. Provide the girls with distributed, collaborative hosting? Most of OnlyFans profits are from the top 1% creators, what if the cut doesn’t apply uniformly to all girls and end up as yacht money for the owner class, but instead is a progressive cut that feeds back into business costs plus higher paybacks for small creators, in a cöoperative system? ‘It’s hard to setup online cooperatives legally’ – then change *those* laws, instead of trying to ban online sex work and thereby drive online sex workers into worse options, including street-based sex work?

Why do I even read these things >.>

tanith lee's death's master 

all this, and the way that the other protagonists are written, kinda made out the moral code in the book to be beautiful = magical = good in the most bluntest of ways. which i just can't jive with. so. dnf at 65%.

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tanith lee's death's master 

the only other queer character yolsippa. the whole book uses vaguely orientalist tropes, but i felt that it's at its least vague for this one. he's the only major character in the entire book who isn't royalty or demigod or god, and he's written a physically unattractive, cowardly, pickpocketing rogue with a weird attraction to cross-eyed people, played for laughs.

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